Kids turning stubborn, not eating properly or got a lot of mood swing, how to handle?
Recently I was at a small birthday party. While all adults were busy in usual chit chat, kids found their own choice of toys and started playing. One boy sticks to the makeup toy kit, the girl grabbed tricycle lying around and another boy took the dough made for chapati and ran away.
Sooner, people around started giving their opinion. "Looks like everyone is interested in other's toys" "Boys are interested in girls toys and girls jumped on a tricycle?". "Why boys are not picking boy's games?" As we think we are adult and experienced we got the intelligence to decide what is good and bad for kids.
If we think from a kid's perspective, they don't differentiate, no division, no line. The only thing they know is "what" and "how". Their curiosity makes them explore everything available or happening around them. Passing such comments not only have a negative impact on their creativity but might also put them in a pang of guilt feeling that there is something wrong in them.
Every kid got their own nature and inclination toward their interest fields. In spite of judging kids on what they are doing, we should give them ample space and exposure to grow and pick as per their choice. For example, Think, if Sanjeev Kappor got all those kind of comments and judgement from neighbours on his interest in cooking, he might be working on something he would never feel happy about.
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| Sanjeev Kapoor, renowned chef |
If we list down famous chef's of the world, 70% are men and definitely, they are more successful than most of the adults who think that cooking is a girl's thing.
Avani Chaturvedi, the first solo women pilot of India, came out of the mindset that Army and especially fighter pilot is something only for men. She not only joined and broke the social misconception but also made path for many women to join Airforce.
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| Courtesy: SheThePeople |
Same time, Daniel Bauer, International celebrity makeup artist, is a renowned personality now. He might not at the same stage if similar restriction would have been imposed on him to pick boy's game.
We all live societies' life and not the life we want to live in. Most of us chose our career because five of our close friends chose that career or next door uncle gave their free advice about that career option. Most of us live an unsatisfied life. The only reason is that we didn't respect our interest or hobbies. we always had a doubt because of the people around, who gave a free opinion. Most of the time we are trained that success is earning a lot of money. everything we see around or do is ultimately focussed on earning money. We don't get a chance to pursue our hobby or even spend 1-2 hours a week on that.
Take an example of Pink and Blue colour. The moment we say pink, we imagine the colour for a girl and blue for boys. Our brain is manipulated so well from childhood. Did we ever think on what basis we decided this colour? Now if a boy likes some pink colour dress, he can't pick it because kids around him will tease. But why?
"In 1918, an article from a trade publication called Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department, declared that, since it was derived from red, “Pink is for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger colour, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” A 1927 survey by Time magazine declared opposite of this, Pink for girls and Blue for boys. Parents were so confused then that they picked gender-neutral colour like green and yellow for their kids.
From the time a child is born, we start imposing and deciding good or bad, their likes and dislikes on behalf of them. Right from food, clothes, judging their behaviour and manipulate them to start liking what we like or feel should be right.
My friend's baby girl is now 7 months old. In India, We do "Annaprashana" means introducing solid food to baby for the first time. They should be completely dependant on mother's milk for the initial 6 months.
When we were in the Philippines, the doctor instructed us not to introduce sugar or salt to kids till they are at least 1 year. This was quite logical as we thought natural food is the best for infants. We used to feed steamed and smashed vegetables or smashed apple, banana etc.
So one fine day when I was just doing a casual chit chat, a friend told me that she mixed banana with sugar to feed the baby. I was shocked-
"Why do you do that? "
" Because not sure if she will like Banana. It will be tastier with Sugar."
If she grows up eating artificial sugar or salt with food, she might lose the real taste of food. and same time she will be addicted to artificial flavouring. On what basis we decided that she would like food more if salt or sugar is added. Of course, she can't speak but she can speak by eating or rejecting natural food. On basis of her choice, we can list down her likes and dislikes and make a chart of food she loves eating.
For example, if we tried banana and she didn't eat, we can give apple, carrot, orange or whatever fruits we can give. Same goes with vegetables. We can steam veggies, smash and serve her. After a few weeks of this exercise, we will have a list of food she likes. Let a baby decide what she likes or dislikes instead of deciding for them.
Most of the parents are worried that their kids are not interested in eating. Let's rephrase this sentence and be more specific. Parents are worried that their kids are not interested in eating the food they chose for them. For example, if we thought that kids should eat corn flakes milk for breakfast and kid is not interested then it's not that kids don't like eating, but the fact is that kid's don't like eating your choice of food.
"So what's the solution? we can't leave them hungry?" good question. First, try to get the answer from nature. If you see animals around us, no mother tries to feed food to their kids. They will be just grazing their choicest grass or food and kids will be munching on whatever they like still animals roaming in free space never get sick or weak. Now look at our kids, whatever they eat or not eat, they are definitely more energetic than us. Same food what we are forcing them to eat makes us lazy and dull. So are we forcing the right food habit for them?
What can we do for our kids: Stop feeding kids forcibly. Expose them to multiple possible varieties of food. Make a chart of what they like or dislike and prepare food accordingly. You will notice that they would never create a problem in eating. Try including natural unprocessed food over processed and artificially prepared food. Even if sometimes they are not interested, leave them alone. Other than human no animals force themselves to eat. They eat only when they feel like eating.
I must admit something in this article. I lived with guilt feeling for a lot of my likes and dislikes just because it doesn't match with many of my friends. I pretended that I enjoy something and don't like anything else because society believes and created some pre-sentiments on that.
For example, while most of my friends loved driving a motorbike or car, I was not at all interested. Thinking about the same doesn't excite me. Somehow because of necessity, I learnt and started driving, I never enjoyed racing and driving like crazy.
I also don't like to talk much. Neither I feel like talking in so excited voice. For me, I see things happening around me mostly not good neither bad. Everything is happenings and how I react is completely in our control. In short, I had a feeling that I am a little reserved or to be specific "not popular" kind of person. But the same time that was not the case always. I enjoy talking with a few of my friends or known one quite a lot.
If you leave me alone in a house, I can live their happily for weeks and may be months. I can be happy being with only me. I don't even need a TV to entertain myself.
It was only during the Covid lockdown, I met one person, online, in his 60s. He gave me a chance to open up and speak about whatever mental limitations and guilt feeling I had. Things I wanted to change in myself and other minute possible details.
His reply made good sense to me. For many things, he explained to me that how this is a quality which I felt is a limitation in my life. for example, I told that I love to live alone and he explained how it takes years of meditation to learn to love and spend time with yourselves happily.
So what can we do exactly for kids?
- Let them be what they are. Don't try to manipulate them same time if we don't like any of their behaviour, discuss with them and explain how can they be better.
- understand fact that kids got their own likes and dislike. We shouldn't be judgemental but supportive. Give them more possible exposures so that they can decide their area of interest.
- Reply to their queries with full energy and honesty.
- Feed their choice of food but same time don't expose them to junk food or carbonated drink. If we make a habit in the early years and explain to them why it is not good, it will be engraved in their mind.
- Teach them to love and respect themselves.
- Even if you want to say negative, you can put in a positive way. For example: If a kid is scared to ride a bicycle, instead of saying " you are coward, you will take time to learn" say "you are brave, you can learn faster."
So the best thing what we can give to our kid is to let them live on their terms. Appreciate their decisions, like dislike. If you want to change something do it happily and slowly. Whatever success whole world is talking about, is only about living happily. Find a way for happiness in whatever condition we are. If kids are happy by nature, they know clearly what they are happy with, what food they like, what colour they like or what activity they like, let's not push them hard to change or pass a comment which can make them fall in guilt feeling life long.
You can be happy lifelong and excel only when you work on things you like and that what success really means.
Thanks Dr. Jinendra Jain, Holistic Healer , For your guidance.
Prashant
Bangalore
2-Jan-2021
